Application Llewelyn

[llewelyn]

Name: Llewelyn
Age: 13
Contact: Email - [e-mail]
RP Experience: 2 years; Neopets, Avidgamers.

Sample paragraph:
A young-looking mage was seen not far from the Elven forest. This wizard was actually 100 years old, but had the physical appearance of a 20 year-old for he had mastered the magic of rejuvenation. As his white horse slowly trotted on the muddy trail, his long white hair did not even bounce for it was so wet from the rain that came pouring down in an instant.
His blue eyes would remind anyone of a stormy night in the middle of an ocean, thus some probably have confused his eyes for grey ones. With little bags under them, for he had stayed awake for a whole week to find the Elven region, his eyes darted around the trail, searching for a small opening, maybe a strange rock, maybe a suspicious tree, just something that might lead him to the Elves. His white robe was now a bit clear of a stormy night in the middle of an ocean, thus some probably have confused his eyes for grey ones. With little bags under them, for he had stayed awake for a whole week to find the Elven region, his eyes darted around the trail, searching for a small opening, maybe a strange rock, maybe a suspicious tree, just something that might lead him to the Elves.
His white robe was now a bit clear and and an extra white shirt and pants were revealed. He was prepared for the rain and did not expect to conquer these Elves with them staring at his muscular body.
His white boot covered feet shook from anxiety as he repeatedly kicked his horse, forcing it to gallop even faster. His muscles tensed as he heard the shaking of nearby trees.
He quickly shook off the doubt for his stomach ached from nervosity. He took a deep breath and calmed himself by humming a familiar tune. An elven tune, to be precise, that hinted the content of the Elven Magical Scroll. Nobody had ever been able to decipher the tune, but now Llewelyn found joy in singing it.
He wiped his eyes with his already wet sleeve for some drops of rain had unsuspectedly dropped directly into his eyes. The mage cursed as he wet his already wet eyes. When he finally regained sight, he slightly bowed his head to avoid another incident like this.

The Genres: Mostly medieval fantasy, but I am open to try most RPs. I will definitely not do movie RPs though.

[Mac]

Hey, Llewelyn! This is sweetswim07 from neopets! Thanks for joining, I'll trow in a good word for you with the admins! ^^ I look forward to roleplaying with you again!

[Lali]

Hi Llewelyn. Welcome to Legion of Literates.

Ru'Thor and I will get around to reviewing your application shortly - apologies for the delay, we've both been absent recently. (Though I confess Ru has more of an excuse. ^_^')

Anyway, feel free to post in the Out Of Character boards while you're waiting, as I say, we'll deal with your application soon.

Thanks for your patience.

[Lali]

First of all, apologies for the delay. We've both been very busy (I can vouch for myself on that score). Feel free to poke us if you think we're being slow any time in the future. I may meep but I won't bite. Much.

Alright, this is just from me personally. Ru'Thor can add any comments she wishes to make.

Currently, Llewelyn, there are a few problems you need to sort out before you can be accepted, mainly to do with your general writing style and characterisation. Your spelling and grammar is good, though (ignoring the duplication of three lines. We all make mistakes).

However, in your post you tended to repeat things a lot, such as "his eyes". (Eg, "His blue eyes would remind anyone of a stormy night in the middle of an ocean, thus some probably have confused his eyes for grey ones" and "He wiped his eyes with his already wet sleeve for some drops of rain had unsuspectedly dropped directly into his eyes")

Try to vary things a little more, perhaps saying, "He wiped his eyes with his already wet sleeve, for some drops of rain had unexpectedly run directly into them."

As to character, there are two sentences that bother me: "This wizard was actually 100 years old, but had the physical appearance of a 20 year-old for he had mastered the magic of rejuvenation" and "He was prepared for the rain and did not expect to conquer these Elves with them staring at his muscular body."

Both of these examples tend to crop up when people are using "Mary-Sue" or "Gary-Stu" characters - in other words, perfect characters. They look young but have all the wonderful experience and talent of someone much much older, they're strong, they're beautiful, they're talented, everyone loves them... Very good for the ego of their author, but not that much fun to roleplay with.

I'd recommend removing the age comment, unless it's key to the plot or his character background - how does he feel about really being a hundred but never growing older? All the people he loves are surely going to fade away and die before his eyes. Is he a product of a past age, not quite into the swing of the modern world? In this extract he's going to visit the Elves - is he much closer to them than other humans because they, like him, don't age with everyone else? Does he pity those who can't regenerate, or despise them? If you expand on his character to account for his age, it might be more acceptable.

And he's muscular, too. If he's a grand master of magic, why would he need to be physically strong? Again, unless it's necessary to the plot or his character - for example, he doesn't trust himself with his magic, doesn't think he's good enough etc., so he trains up physically, just in case.

It's honestly not that big a problem, so if you'd like to just tweak your app a bit, and take care on your real posts to keep up to standard, I'm sure you'll get along fine. But revisions are required before we accept you fully.