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Post by Bree on Sept 9, 2006 14:46:13 GMT -5
I have written poetry and got it published. I have some other poetry that I am not so sure about so I want to post them here to get your views on how to make it better.
Please do not totally bash them for no reason. If they stink, which some may, tell me why they do okay?
Great! Enjoy! Peaches!
Poem number one:
Listening to the old man's whiskey talking
Through clenched teeth
Staring straight into his eyes, wondering if there
Is a hidden message of love beneath
Vision of him so blurry, like a
Fogged mirror
Constantly trying to clear itself, constantly
Trying to make the picture clearer
Silent screams of help and defeat
Streak through his veins
Deterring love and dreams
Throbbing in pain
Stumbling feet, shaking hands, blurring of words
Making of a whiskey man
Destroying any hope I had left
Any hope that he'd understand
For him, endless drinks tonight...
Whats one more going to do?
And for me...endless tears because
He doesn't realize the hell he is putting me through.
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Post by Bree on Sept 9, 2006 14:47:56 GMT -5
Poem number 2:
A Child's Life
Dream child, dream
Escape from reality and how wrong it seems
Sleep child, sleep
Hold close the promises your dreams tell you that only you can keep
Giggle child, giggle
As love starts to grow in you and begins to tickle
Smile child, smile
Light up the world mile after magnificent mile
Cry child, cry
For every time you fall down and get up proves that you want to try
Yell child, yell
Scream out the feelings that your heart doesn?t want to tell
Share child, share
Show everyone your dreams and how much you care
Give child, give
Become an adult and give up the life that you now live
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Post by Bree on Sept 9, 2006 14:49:16 GMT -5
Poem number three:
Box Of Crayons
What is in my box of crayons, is not only my tools for coloring but my memories of what each color holds.
Color like Green as the grass beneath me on a summer's day with the spring trees providing different shades of depth.
Color like Blue as the clouds suspeneded in the air, balancing the never ending ocean view.
Color like Purple as the lilacs surronding me as the delicious taste of plums salviate my glands.
Color like Pink as the icing on a child's birthday cake surronded by carnations that drown the air in that sweet smell.
Color like Red as the blood that runs through our viens to make us the same inside no matter what the difference are outside with roses to remind us that all of us love.
Color like Orange as the liqiud sunshine it produces giving the sun that extra boost that is needed to enjoy sunrises and sunsets.
Color like Yellow as the sweetness as honey that the sun holds yet gives a dose to people on a gloomy day.
Color like Gold as the reflection of the sun on the ocean on a breezy day with golden kites hanging in the distance.
Color like Silver as windchimes playing their notes on a stormy night yet the morning holds the dew on the grass afterwards.
Color like White as the stars that peirce through any darkness away with all the purity it holds.
Color like Grey as the shadow of doubt in ourselves when nothing goes right yet comforts us all for none of us are perfect.
Color like Black as the night shy when you go camping with your family wth the burnt marshmellows to prove it.
Color like the memories that each color holds; that are each a tool of their own and each of them have a residence in my coloring box
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Post by Shira on Sept 10, 2006 20:05:26 GMT -5
People on here don't bash for no reason, retard.
Unless I'm just messing with you for the hell of it.
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Post by Bree on Sept 16, 2006 18:55:41 GMT -5
You mess with me because you can.
And I love you to, you oban.
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Post by Lali on Sept 20, 2006 12:39:50 GMT -5
I especially like number two for purely personal reasons - I once did a poem quite similar to that. I can't quite remember it, and I've not got it on this computer, but it started off with something like:
The child sleeps,
The child weeps,
The child sighs,
The child cries,
The child knows,
The child goes,
The child is left
To wonder.
I remember I had quite a lot of fun with the rhythm of it later on.
So yes, I like that one. A couple of lines here and there in the first two seem to jar with the rhythm to me, but overall they're very good.
The third one seems to be less of a poem and more of an odd collection of sentences. Some of them feel a little too long to me, as well. (Red, for example.) But I very much like the ideas behind each colour. ^_^
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Post by Bree on Oct 5, 2006 11:59:29 GMT -5
Thank you!
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Post by Bree on Oct 7, 2006 23:55:49 GMT -5
{New poem! {And my muses like it too! But they don't like it that they are in a jar again..   } } Shoes deterring autumn leaves on The shattered ground, Letting their bronzed beauty. Slip through the cracks of our memories, Only leaving a imprint. Golden streaks of sunlight peaking Through auburn and bronze leaves to reveal Frosted blades of grass glittering, With a slight chill nipping at people's heels. A spawn of mother tree leaving it's mark Within the ruse noises and obscene gestures Of a one way street leading To a nonstop 9-5 life. Bleeding through raining tears Shed by April's showers, To sprout in June, Only to leave in November. Imprints of beauty covered by The first snowfall of the year Lost to our memories, yet leaves a perfect imprint on the Shattered ground. |
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Post by Lali on Oct 11, 2006 12:54:14 GMT -5
Mm, I like that one. I'm not usually a fan of freeform (most of what I wrote either had a bizarre rhyme and rhythm scheme, or followed old traditional patterns) but that's quite nice.
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Post by Bree on Oct 13, 2006 14:53:43 GMT -5
Thank you. It means to me...=)
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Post by piro on Feb 12, 2007 22:40:09 GMT -5
This is one of my sadder ones I'm sorry to say. Please reply and tell me what you think:
Death, a man of great power and fear,
He strikes fast with his scythe and scroll
With many more ones due for toll.
It strikes quick and anyone who dares challenge him
It is a fate we must all endure one day.
I was happy and care-free, and was at school
My mother had been feeling ill for a while.
I didn't expect for Death to visit her so soon,
When I got home, all was quiet and calm.
I didn't realize it at first, until I saw she was gone.
Being unable to tell, I thought she went to the hospital,
I was in a good mood from school's end.
Then, it was when it hit me that something was wrong,
The curtains were drawn and the stillness was complete,
It was then that my brother told me: Mom was dead.
I didn't believe it at first, but then I came to realize
All of my fears had come true.
Even though I know she was gone,
We shall meet again, on the other side...
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Post by Raven thorn on Feb 16, 2007 11:27:10 GMT -5
PITY
Someone is at my door;
at the edge of my mind
Listening to me rant;
watching me walk.
Too scared to come close
Too closed minded to understand
Giving me pity;
"That is too bad
she is so sad"
I don't want you damned pity
I won't even want you
So leave me be
And leave me in peace.
I wrote this one about 7th grade when my teacher told us to write about our parents. Lets just say I didn't get an A, I got sent to the counciler...*grumbles*
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Post by piro on Mar 26, 2007 16:36:13 GMT -5
Here's my poem that I made semi-finals in at Poetry.com
The One You Love
There is always that special someone
Who cares and loves you for ever,
The someone just for you to love
The someone who loves you the same.
Love, the emotion of all living beings
This bond, greater than any other,
Binds us with our will and care
The bond between us grows ever strong,
The love for us will stay twice as long.
Andrew Scott Nell
Copyright ©2007 Andrew Scott Nell
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Post by Bree on Apr 9, 2007 12:03:48 GMT -5
You are supposed to make a "folder thingy "of your own , when posting your poems.
And poetry. com is a scam. Trust me.
Dont give them any of your stuff. they will steal it and call it as your own.
put it this way..
I put "this is complete bullshit" as a poem and I won semi finals.
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Post by piro on Apr 9, 2007 16:13:57 GMT -5
I wasn't really trying, I was just doing it for fun is all.
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Post by Bree on Apr 14, 2007 15:06:03 GMT -5
But still.
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Post by piro on Apr 14, 2007 19:52:14 GMT -5
Yes? I have made many more poems that make that one look like crud that came from the garbage.
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Post by Bree on Apr 17, 2007 16:05:20 GMT -5
well..*mumbles something, turns red with anger and walks out of convo*
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Post by piro on Apr 26, 2007 21:23:44 GMT -5
What just happened? |
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Post by Bree on Apr 29, 2007 15:32:52 GMT -5
Bree gets angry very easily and is not trying to take 2x4 to peoples heads..
that is what happened
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