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Post by Bree on Aug 26, 2006 23:15:21 GMT -5
Name: Bree Age: 16 Contact: AIM: whitestick101 Role Playing Experience: Sheraton for three months, as Riley and Nathaniel
IC Information Role Play Sample:
Whack! Bree's wooden sword clashed with Drew's. Even though he out weighed more than her by 50 pounds and was taller than her by 5 inches, she had more experience than he had when it came to swords. The war was over for now, but it didn't hurt to continue to practice if something happened and they needed to be drafted.
Even though Bree borrowed some of Drew's old clothes that he didn't wear any more in exchange to help him with his swordsmanship, Bree's had more holes in it, as Drew's was almost worn through. The white sleeveless shirts that both were wearing were now streaked in dirt and sweat.
"Come on! My pig-assed brother can do better than you, and that's on a bad day!" Bree yelled, hoping that Drew will take the bait.
Drew charged at her with determination to cause her some major hurt.
Nobody will ever forget if I let Bree disgrace my name and the name of her brother, even if he is a ass.
Bree faked a left to get him to move her right to strike her on her bad side. She swung out her left leg and tripped him. Quickly she jumped to place a foot on each side of his ribs. She placed the tip of her wooden sword to his throat and said "Yield or do I have to pin you again?"
Drew gave her a mean look and went to answer, but she tapped him with her wooden sword to cut him off to say "And if I were you, I would be careful of what you say in the next thirty seconds, because you will have practice tomorrow and I can make it hell on earth."
He just gives up, sighing.
The Genres: Fantasy Medieval, Apartment, ((Otherwise unknown -- new to this))
((This is Shira's younger sister, Amber, and the first student, so Lali, let her pass even if she's not up to par. Shira knows that there are some paragraph / sentance mistakes, but can Lali please moved this to one of the Tutorital boards as an example? It can be chopped up there....and it ain't half as bad as Shira thought it would be. ^^))
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Post by Lali on Aug 27, 2006 8:07:21 GMT -5
That's not bad at all. Only a couple of tiny things bothered me about it (and I can be really picky when I want! ^_^) so I'm thinking you won't need long in the Newbie Playground, Bree. Welcome to LoL! I'll come back when I have a little more time to devote to helping you. Ie, tomorrow. ^_^ Tata for now.
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Post by Bree on Aug 28, 2006 18:36:11 GMT -5
Thank you taking time out of your day to comment on me. I take your comments close to my heart. Yes, I admit, Shira did help me on it, and I am grateful, even though she is a bonehead. Have a great day!
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Post by Lali on Aug 29, 2006 8:27:44 GMT -5
Now now! Play nice. ;D ^_^ I'll do a detailed run-through of grammar and suchlike first. ^_^ And I warn you now, I'm going to be very picky... Bear in mind that most of the time a few small mistakes aren't going to bother anyone (even me! ^_^). Whack! Bree's wooden sword clashed with Drew's. Even though he out weighed more than her by 50 pounds and was taller than her by 5 inches, she had more experience than he had when it came to swords. The war was over for now, but it didn't hurt to continue to practice if something happened and they needed to be drafted.- "outweighed" is one word. - Most of the time I tend to write numbers out, and my English teachers at school certainly jump up and down and scream if someone puts numerals in any essay or such. ^_^ But most of the time that doesn't matter - unless there's numbers every other word or something silly like that. - "if something happened" would probably be slightly better as "in case something happened". It does make sense the way it is at the moment, but "in case" is just a little better. Even though Bree borrowed some of Drew's old clothes that he didn't wear any more in exchange to help him with his swordsmanship, Bree's had more holes in it, as Drew's was almost worn through. The white sleeveless shirts that both were wearing were now streaked in dirt and sweat.- The first sentence there is a little clumsy. Specifically: - - you don't necessarily need the "that he didn't wear any more" - you've already implied that by saying they were his old clothes - - "in exchange to help him" should be "in exchange for helping him" - - "Bree's had more..." since you're talking about Bree, you could make this "hers had more" so as not to repeat her name too often - - "Drew's was almost" doesn't work for me. Since you mentioned "Drew's old clothes", which is plural, this should be "Drew's were". Otherwise, if you're on about any single item of clothing in particular, you should specify that in "Bree's (whatever it is... ^_^) had more holes in it" - Consider revising that sentence completely to make it a bit clearer. For example, "hers had more holes in them, as Drew had almost worn them out before passing them on." - The second sentence is fine. ;D ^_^ "Come on! My pig-assed brother can do better than you, and that's on a bad day!" Bree yelled, hoping that Drew will take the bait.- Past tense, remember - "hoping that Drew would" Drew charged at her with determination to cause her some major hurt.- That needs a little altering. Personally, I would write - - "Drew charged at her, determined to cause her some major harm" Or - - "Drew charged at her with determination, intending to cause her some major harm" - Either way, "major hurt" sounds slightly off... Again, personally I would go for harm instead. Nobody will ever forget if I let Bree disgrace my name and the name of her brother, even if he is a ass.- Since you haven't had any thoughts from characters before this, it might be better to add a tag to that - something like "he thought as he ran towards her" Bree faked a left to get him to move her right to strike her on her bad side. She swung out her left leg and tripped him. Quickly she jumped to place a foot on each side of his ribs. She placed the tip of her wooden sword to his throat and said "Yield or do I have to pin you again?"Minor point: - "and said, "Yield". Generally I tend to use commas before speech. It's a bit of a grey area, to be honest, and I'm fairly sure no-one will be at all bothered if you don't, but hey. I said I'd be picky. ^_^ Major point: - First sentence. I understand you're trying to quickly describe the fight, but it doesn't seem clear. You might want to clarify that and make a couple of sentences out of it if it's getting too long. As it stands you have a few too many "to"s - "to get him to move her right to strike" is slightly ungainly. And I think you may have missed one out? "move her right" should be "move to] her right"? But I'm not sure, because I can't quite follow how Bree is moving... Drew gave her a mean look and went to answer, but she tapped him with her wooden sword to cut him off to say "And if I were you, I would be careful of what you say in the next thirty seconds, because you will have practice tomorrow and I can make it hell on earth."- Again, too many "to"s. ^_^ "to cut him off to say" might be better as "cutting him off as she said". (And again I'd put a comma there, but you don't have to. ^_^) Try and vary the way you say things to avoid those pesky little "to"s a little more. ^_^ Otherwise I like that paragraph. Nice characterisation. He just gives up, sighing.- Remember what tense you're writing in. Everything else has been past tense, so should this. "He just gave up". Right. I think that's about it. Oh, just one more thing. And this'll sound a little hypocritical, but I'll come back to that in a moment. In the two gaps between your first three paragraphs, you've left two lines empty in each. Generally in RP posts leaving one line is sufficient. I know in this post I have left double-gaps in a couple of places, but that was to seperate the application-breakdown from the rest of my comments. Having looked around, I've found a couple of examples of double-gaps: One of Shira's posts in "On The Run": Here Shira's split her post because she's referring to her two different characters. Many of mine have double-gaps between OOC comments and the IC message (Out Of Character and In Character, in case you didn't know. ^_^) and some of mine and Ru'Thor's in There Are Vampires Out There! have large gaps between two scenes, as we're each playing two characters in seperate situations, much like Shira in On The Run. ^_^ For example: In all of those examples, however, key parts of the post are being seperated. For the remainder of the IC post, everything has a single gap. Unless mistakes happen, which is always possible. ^_^ (Ooh. I appear to have put double-spaces after each quote... How organised of me. ^_^') Eeh. I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with stuff. I didn't mean to - and I didn't expect you to read all the quoted posts and things, they were just examples. Anyway. That's about every single possible point I could pick up on in your app. Many of the minor style points you can probably ignore - as I said earlier, you were very close to an acceptable level anyway. I do like your characterisation, and the scene works well. It's vivid and easy to imagine - which is always important for RPs - and I'm interested by both the characters and the situation. In short, I'd probably join it. ;D And I think your Bree would get on well with my Lali. ^_^ I hope that all helped. Please don't be intimidated if you think I wrote too much! Feel free to yell at me! ^_^' Ru, do you have anything to add?
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Post by Ru'Thor on Aug 29, 2006 14:20:09 GMT -5
Fwhoa. Lali was very thorough. xD I think she's covered just about everything I noticed in the application.
Figures. I go back to school, and I get beat to the punch. ^_^ Just kiddin'. I don't think it will take too long before Shira has a rival!
Haha! I am full of jokes today! *sarcasm*
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Post by Bree on Aug 29, 2006 14:49:11 GMT -5
Honestly, I know for a fact that I never be as good as Shira. she has had years of pratice and I had help on it.
Again, I thank you for taking time out of your day to help me with my Grammar and such. I take it to heart.
I will work on the things that you pointed out. If I make a mistake here or there, please point it out so I can become a better writer!
Thanks!
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Post by Lali on Aug 30, 2006 15:53:58 GMT -5
*glomps Bree* I'm always happy to help people who genuinely want to improve! Feel free to post in the OOC Forums whilst you're working on your app, and let us know as soon as you want us to look over it again. ^_^
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Post by Bree on Sept 9, 2006 14:24:19 GMT -5
{New Introduction!!}
Finally, it is over. Bree thought when the class bell rang. She loved her History class, especially with Mr. Jomarron as her teacher but when it came down relearning stuff that she already knew, she wasn't a happy camper.
Bree got up and went to the door as she was putting her doodling notebook in her shoulder backpack when she heard "Bree, if I may have a second of your time?"
She turned around to see Mr.Jomarron in his usual blue shirt and black pants combo flaying out his hand to the desk in front.
Bree mumbles a reply as she walks toward her teacher. She removes her shoulder backpack to fix her t-shirt that said "I'm not crazy I just do bad things when I don't get my meds." so he wouldn't notice her moving shoulder blades down to move her H.G. Long Knife that was residing on her back. She sat down in the chair, noticing that her jeans were getting extremely holey and still had blood on them from the night before. Blow it all to Hades, these were my favorite pair!
Her temper was about to blow because that meant that she had to hit up Drew for some cash to get new jeans because her check from Bruja's Guild didn't come till next Wednesday.
She cleared her face of all emotion before looking up to see Mr. Jomarron typing what looked like an email to someone on his laptop.
"Did I do anything wrong?" Bree asked quietly as she recalls rule number one in the Hiding the Witch and Hunters guide; Let everybody believe that you are a poor puny human until you stick a knife in them.
"No, not really. I just want to know how you can sit there, doodling in my class, yet when I call on you, you know the answer?" Mr. Jomarron said. He closed his laptop to give her his full and undivided attention.
"Um. No disrespect Mr. Jomarron, but I can not just sit there and not doing anything, so I doodle. I already know everything in this chapter and the 2 following it, sir. I am not cheating nor am I trying to make you mad, it is just I am..." Bree trailed off.
"Bored? I am not disrespected in anyway shape or form. I would be bored if I had to sit in a class and doodle for fifty-five minutes too. " Mr. Jomarron looks down at papers that cover his desk and that are under his laptop, then at the clock that read ten thirty seven am.
"Mr. Jomarron?" Bree asked, intrigued that he spaced out.
"Sorry about that. How you work on other subjects until" Mr. Jomarron was saying until Bree cut him off.
"Sir, I am ahead in all my classes."
Mr. Jomarron looked surprised then smiled.
"Would you like to be my aide until we cover something you don't know? It would get you out of other classes, with the teacher's permission of course, and you would get your papers back sooner and get extra credit for this class and some of your other classes."
"Can I give you an answer tomorrow, if it isn't any trouble?" Bree asked, not what else to respond with.
"Sure. Right. Crap!" Bree jumped at Mr. Jomarron's sudden exclamation. She looked at him with a confused look until he points at the clock. As Bree looked at the clock, Mr. Jomarron said
"You got one minute to get to your next class! Do you want a pass?"
"No thanks. I can make it." Bree says with a smile on her face. She grabs her shoulder backpack, flings it over her shoulder and hidden knife and ran out of the room.
{O.O.C. Mr.Jomarron is NOT one of my main characters. I needed a teacher for this scene, so I used my History teacher! Okay? great! I hope this one is better! Peaches!}
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Post by Shira on Sept 10, 2006 20:03:46 GMT -5
Shira: *twitch* No, I wasn't there to help her, so I apologize for that. I'll work on this tomorrow, a little bit, unless Lali already did by then.
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Post by Shira on Sept 12, 2006 11:14:03 GMT -5
Finally, it is over. Bree thought when the class bell rang. She loved her History class, especially with Mr. Jomarron as her teacher but when it came down relearning stuff that she already knew, she wasn't a happy camper.
-- "Finally, it's over." Normal people use it's, not it is, unless they are a grammer freak. -- "...Mr. Jomarron as her teacher, but..." Commas infront of but and and, when there's two sentances that you are connecting together. -- The whole "happy camper" line sticks out, but for a bad reason. It's not parallel with the rest of the paragraph.
Bree got up and went to the door as she was putting her doodling notebook in her shoulder backpack when she heard "Bree, if I may have a second of your time?"
-- You're trying to connect both the past and the present at the same time, and that dosen't work. Something like, 'Bree stood up, and as she was putting her doodling notebook in her messenger bag, she heard, "Bree, may you come up here?"'
She turned around to see Mr.Jomarron in his usual blue shirt and black pants combo flaying out his hand to the desk in front.
-- Big words don't work here. "Pointing to the desk in front" might work much better. -- Commas after Jommarron and after combo (so it looks like this: Mr. Jomarron, in his usual blue shirt and black pants combo, pointing....)
Bree mumbles a reply as she walks toward her teacher. She removes her shoulder backpack to fix her t-shirt that said "I'm not crazy I just do bad things when I don't get my meds." so he wouldn't notice her moving shoulder blades down to move her H.G. Long Knife that was residing on her back. She sat down in the chair, noticing that her jeans were getting extremely holey and still had blood on them from the night before. Blow it all to Hades, these were my favorite pair!
-- Keep it in the past tense. You're not on Sheraton. 'Bree mumbled a reply as she walked towards her teacher. She removed her messenger bag to fix her shirt that said....' -- Usually, thoughts are broken up into their own different paragraphs, or add, "she thought to herself" to the end of it.
Her temper was about to blow because that meant that she had to hit up Drew for some cash to get new jeans because her check from Bruja's Guild didn't come till next Wednesday.
-- Explain, and cut up, a little more. You should put the 'She sat down in the chair, noticing that her jeans were getting extremely holey and still had blood on them from the night before. Blow it all to Hades, these were my favorite pair!' sentence at the beginning of this paragraph, and connect everything like that. -- Only one because per sentance.
She cleared her face of all emotion before looking up to see Mr. Jomarron typing what looked like an email to someone on his laptop.
-- Why is the email thing important?
"Did I do anything wrong?" Bree asked quietly as she recalls rule number one in the Hiding the Witch and Hunters guide; Let everybody believe that you are a poor puny human until you stick a knife in them.
-- Again, past tense. -- 'Rule number one' should be 'the first rule.' -- Hiding the Witch and Hunters should be underlined, as it's a book title. -- Put the rule in quotation marks, or do something to make it stand out more.
"No, not really. I just want to know how you can sit there, doodling in my class, yet when I call on you, you know the answer?" Mr. Jomarron said. He closed his laptop to give her his full and undivided attention.
-- ".....doodling in my class, and yet...."
"Um. No disrespect Mr. Jomarron, but I can not just sit there and not doing anything, so I doodle. I already know everything in this chapter and the 2 following it, sir. I am not cheating nor am I trying to make you mad, it is just I am..." Bree trailed off.
-- Can't. Can not isn't usually said, unless it's like "I CAN NOT DO ___.", etc. -- Doodle's said a million times. Change the words -- teachers wouldn't say doodle. -- Spell out words that are easy to say. Two, three, twenty, one hundred. 1,295 isn't one you'd spell out, though.
"Bored? I am not disrespected in anyway shape or form. I would be bored if I had to sit in a class and doodle for fifty-five minutes too. " Mr. Jomarron looks down at papers that cover his desk and that are under his laptop, then at the clock that read ten thirty seven am.
-- I'm not is easier to read / say than 'I am not.' -- Ten thirty seven am? Huh?
"Mr. Jomarron?" Bree asked, intrigued that he spaced out.
"Sorry about that. How you work on other subjects until" Mr. Jomarron was saying until Bree cut him off.
-- ".....How about you work on other subjects -" would be the better way to say it. -- Have an explaination on why he's spacing out.
"Sir, I am ahead in all my classes."
Mr. Jomarron looked surprised then smiled.
-- '...surprised, and then smiled.'
"Would you like to be my aide until we cover something you don't know? It would get you out of other classes, with the teacher's permission of course, and you would get your papers back sooner and get extra credit for this class and some of your other classes."
"Can I give you an answer tomorrow, if it isn't any trouble?" Bree asked, not what else to respond with.
"Sure. Right. Crap!" Bree jumped at Mr. Jomarron's sudden exclamation. She looked at him with a confused look until he points at the clock. As Bree looked at the clock, Mr. Jomarron said
"You got one minute to get to your next class! Do you want a pass?"
-- Past tense issues here again. -- The sentance 'As Bree looked at the clock....' should be moved to the beginning of what Jomarron said.
"No thanks. I can make it." Bree says with a smile on her face. She grabs her shoulder backpack, flings it over her shoulder and hidden knife and ran out of the room.
-- Past tense. Bree said; She grabbed; she flung it.
Eh he. A bit more .... editor-with-stick-up-butt mode. Did it help?
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Post by Bree on Sept 13, 2006 12:25:17 GMT -5
Does any sisterly advice ever help? DISREGARD LAST COMMENT! I just feel liked I am being picked a lot... Thanks Shira.
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Post by Lali on Sept 20, 2006 8:49:03 GMT -5
Bree, we're not trying to pick on you, we're just being very very picky about all the grammar and spelling and suchlike. As I said in your original application, a lot of the minor things would pass without bothering anyone in a normal post, but here we're being very strict to try and make sure you know the correct way to do everything. We're trying to help you do the best you can - believe me, a lot of the points I'll make in the tutorials and suchlike on here will help you a great deal in English lessons or writing in general. Finally, it is over. Bree thought when the class bell rang. She loved her History class, especially with Mr. Jomarron as her teacher but when it came down relearning stuff that she already knew, she wasn't a happy camper. -- "Finally, it's over." Normal people use it's, not it is, unless they are a grammer freak. -- "...Mr. Jomarron as her teacher, but..." Commas infront of but and and, when there's two sentances that you are connecting together. -- The whole "happy camper" line sticks out, but for a bad reason. It's not parallel with the rest of the paragraph.--"Finally, it is over. Bree thought" - In addition, that should be a comma at the end of the italics. I'll try and finish my punctuation tutorial this week; that's mentioned in there. -- Shira's other points do make the paragraph sound slightly better.
Bree got up and went to the door as she was putting her doodling notebook in her shoulder backpack when she heard "Bree, if I may have a second of your time?" -- You're trying to connect both the past and the present at the same time, and that dosen't work. Something like, 'Bree stood up, and as she was putting her doodling notebook in her messenger bag, she heard, "Bree, may you come up here?"'-- The main thing to remember is that if you have "as so-and-so did this" you do not need a "when" in front of the next part of the sentence.She turned around to see Mr.Jomarron in his usual blue shirt and black pants combo flaying out his hand to the desk in front. -- Big words don't work here. "Pointing to the desk in front" might work much better. -- Commas after Jommarron and after combo (so it looks like this: Mr. Jomarron, in his usual blue shirt and black pants combo, pointing....)-- Be careful with the words you choose, too. To flay actually means to strip the skin off something. Somehow I don't think that's quite what you wanted.Bree mumbles a reply as she walks toward her teacher. She removes her shoulder backpack to fix her t-shirt that said "I'm not crazy I just do bad things when I don't get my meds." so he wouldn't notice her moving shoulder blades down to move her H.G. Long Knife that was residing on her back. She sat down in the chair, noticing that her jeans were getting extremely holey and still had blood on them from the night before. Blow it all to Hades, these were my favorite pair! -- Keep it in the past tense. You're not on Sheraton. 'Bree mumbled a reply as she walked towards her teacher. She removed her messenger bag to fix her shirt that said....' -- Usually, thoughts are broken up into their own different paragraphs, or add, "she thought to herself" to the end of it.-- A couple more things. Again, this is in the tutorial which I really must finish soon. If you're quoting, saying or thinking something - so, using "speech marks" or italics - you should not have a full stop (or period) at the end of the quote, speech or thought, and then continue with the sentence. Use a comma instead, or finish the sentence at the end of the quote. -- "her moving shoulder blades down to move her H.G. Long Knife that was residing on her back" I have a couple of problems with this. ---- For one, "her moving shoulder blades" sounds like an adjective rather than a verb (describing, not doing). To make it a verb, which it seems to need to be, you need to add another "her" after the word "moving". However (and this point is getting more and more complicated... ) that makes the sentence slightly ungainly. It'll probably be okay like that, but consider finding another way of saying what you want. ---- For another, "her H.G. Long Knife that was residing" sounds wrong to me. "Her H.G. Long Knife, which was" reads better, to my mind, and I'm finding the verb "residing" slightly awkward and out of place. Reside is usually used for living beings and indicates their home, or the place where they live. It might be better simply to say "was on her back" perhaps adding a brief mention of some sort of sheath or strap holding it there.
Her temper was about to blow because that meant that she had to hit up Drew for some cash to get new jeans because her check from Bruja's Guild didn't come till next Wednesday. -- Explain, and cut up, a little more. You should put the 'She sat down in the chair, noticing that her jeans were getting extremely holey and still had blood on them from the night before. Blow it all to Hades, these were my favorite pair!' sentence at the beginning of this paragraph, and connect everything like that. -- Only one because per sentance.-- *cough* Sentence only has es for vowels. *cough* ^_^' -- Yes, that sentence does need split up more. "Bruja's Guild" also doesn't need to be in bold. Either quotation marks, if you really feel it's necessary to make the point that this is the name of a place, or just capitalised will do fine.She cleared her face of all emotion before looking up to see Mr. Jomarron typing what looked like an email to someone on his laptop. -- Why is the email thing important?"Did I do anything wrong?" Bree asked quietly as she recalls rule number one in the Hiding the Witch and Hunters guide; Let everybody believe that you are a poor puny human until you stick a knife in them.-- Again, past tense. -- 'Rule number one' should be 'the first rule.' -- Hiding the Witch and Hunters should be underlined, as it's a book title. -- Put the rule in quotation marks, or do something to make it stand out more.-- Actually, for the book title, I'd go for quotation marks or italics, rather than underlining things. Sorry to contradict you, Shira, but I'm not a fan of underlining. ^_^'"No, not really. I just want to know how you can sit there, doodling in my class, yet when I call on you, you know the answer?" Mr. Jomarron said. He closed his laptop to give her his full and undivided attention. -- ".....doodling in my class, and yet....""Um. No disrespect Mr. Jomarron, but I can not just sit there and not doing anything, so I doodle. I already know everything in this chapter and the 2 following it, sir. I am not cheating nor am I trying to make you mad, it is just I am..." Bree trailed off. -- Can't. Can not isn't usually said, unless it's like "I CAN NOT DO ___.", etc. -- Doodle's said a million times. Change the words -- teachers wouldn't say doodle. -- Spell out words that are easy to say. Two, three, twenty, one hundred. 1,295 isn't one you'd spell out, though.-- I agree with Shira. Most people use contractions in speech, so: "I am not cheating nor am I trying to make you mad, it is just I am..." would become "I'm not cheating, and I'm not trying to make you mad, it's just that I'm..." -- For alternatives to doodle, try draw. A lot of my friends doodle in class (I write, just to let you know. ^_^') and they always refer to it as drawing rather than doodling.
"Bored? I am not disrespected in anyway shape or form. I would be bored if I had to sit in a class and doodle for fifty-five minutes too. " Mr. Jomarron looks down at papers that cover his desk and that are under his laptop, then at the clock that read ten thirty seven am. -- I'm not is easier to read / say than 'I am not.' -- Ten thirty seven am? Huh?-- "anyway" should be "any way" here, as it's not, "Anyway, moving on..." it's referring to any possible way, if you can see the difference. -- Past tense again: "Mr. Jomarron looked down at the papers that covered his desk and were under his laptop, then at the clock that read ten thirty seven am.""Mr. Jomarron?" Bree asked, intrigued that he spaced out. "Sorry about that. How you work on other subjects until" Mr. Jomarron was saying until Bree cut him off. -- ".....How about you work on other subjects -" would be the better way to say it. -- Have an explaination on why he's spacing out.-- To show that someone's been interrupted before they've finished their sentence, try ending dialogue with "until -" Triple dots show someone trailing off, dashes show an abrupt break."Sir, I am ahead in all my classes." Mr. Jomarron looked surprised then smiled. -- '...surprised, and then smiled.'"Would you like to be my aide until we cover something you don't know? It would get you out of other classes, with the teacher's permission of course, and you would get your papers back sooner and get extra credit for this class and some of your other classes." "Can I give you an answer tomorrow, if it isn't any trouble?" Bree asked, not what else to respond with. -- "not sure what else to respond with""Sure. Right. Crap!" Bree jumped at Mr. Jomarron's sudden exclamation. She looked at him with a confused look until he points at the clock. As Bree looked at the clock, Mr. Jomarron said -- Too many looks. Try expression instead of "a confused look" or try glanced, stared, turned to see, watched instead of "looked". Vary the words you use to avoid sounding repetitive. -- Also, keep dialogue with the tag. "Mr. Jomarron said, "You've got.." And be careful to have the comma between the tag and the words. -- Pointed."You got one minute to get to your next class! Do you want a pass?" -- Past tense issues here again. -- The sentance 'As Bree looked at the clock....' should be moved to the beginning of what Jomarron said.-- Or the dialogue moved to the end of the paragraph. Either way works. -- "You got" should really be "You've got"."No thanks. I can make it." Bree says with a smile on her face. She grabs her shoulder backpack, flings it over her shoulder and hidden knife and ran out of the room. -- Past tense. Bree said; She grabbed; she flung it.-- "I can make it," Bree said. Comma at the end of the dialogue, and then past tense as Shira says. You might also want a comma between "knife" and "and ran", just to make that bit clearer.Again, though, I'm pleased with the characterisation and setting. The hints at Bree's double life are quite intriguing, and I like the ideas you're getting across here. Again, one I'd join. ^_^ I hope this does help, and you don't get discouraged. If you want to edit one of these two applications and rewrite it to show us you've taken on board what we've said, you can do that. You don't have to write a whole new application every time. ^_^
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Post by Bree on Sept 23, 2006 11:16:42 GMT -5
I will write both posts over, with the added help, when I get the time!!
love, Bree
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Post by Lali on Sept 23, 2006 12:45:26 GMT -5
Alright. ^_^ I quite understand - time's a big issue with me at the moment, too. I'm glad you're still around, though. As you can see, a few of our other joiners ran off too quickly...
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Post by Bree on Oct 4, 2006 19:18:26 GMT -5
{***Here we go again, Kind of. I am re-writing and adding to the first one!!***}
Whack! Bree's wooden sword clashed with Drew's. Even though he outweighed more than her by fifty pounds and was taller than her by 5 inches, she had more experience than he had when it came to swords. The war was over for now, but it didn't hurt to continue to practice in case something happened and they needed to be drafted.
When Bree looked back at the War now, she was disappointed at how her village was so unprepared. Now that everything calmed down a bit, they {the villagers} were toughing up to keep everything and everyone out of harms way.
Last week Bree borrowed some of Drew's old clothes in exchange to help him with his swordsmanship. Right now, after 12 intense practices Bree's clothes had so many holes in it, it looked like the cows trampled all over it. It didn't help that when she got it from Drew it was worn thin at the knees and arms. Drew wearing his cut-off slacks had less cloth to fall on, which was better because he had learned to fall on his upper body, which was now streaked in dirt and sweat, as was Bree's.
"Come on! My pig-assed brother can do better than you, and that's on a bad day!" Bree yelled, hoping that Drew would take the bait as she swung at his left arm with her left sword to distract his attention for her right.
Thud. Her right sword connected with his collar bone. As Drew slammed his legs down to the ground from the force of the blow, Bree took her swords to the tip of his throat.
"Yield or do I have to beat your ass again, you slime ball?" Bree said with a huge-ass smile.
Drew dropped his swords as he bowed his head and said "I never shall yield to you." Then with the strength he had left, he tackled her to the ground. Bree, completely surprised let go of her swords and braced herself for the impact of the dirt ground.
Drew grabbed Bree's sword as he sat on her stomach. He put the tip of her sword to her throat and with a huge-ass smile on his face said "Yield or do I have to beat your sorry ass again?"
Bree tried to shove Drew off but he had her completely pinned to the ground. Bree looked at Drew and said "You got 3 seconds to get off me or I am grabbing the family stones."
Drew paled.
She wouldn't. Drew thought.
"One." Bree moves her hand our from under his leg.
"Two." Bree puts up two fingers.
As soon as Bree said "Three", Drew jumped off her to prevent pain from happening to his precious stones.
Hopefully she doesn't kill me for this. Drew thought as looked at Bree.
As Bree laid on the ground to catch her breath, Drew threw down her swords and fell down on top of her.
"What the hell Dr-" Bree's rant was suddenly cut off by a kiss from Drew.
**************Hope you love it!!Peaches!*****************
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Post by Shira on Oct 7, 2006 22:50:22 GMT -5
Whack! Bree's wooden sword clashed with Drew's. Even though he outweighed more than her by fifty pounds and was taller than her by 5 inches, she had more experience than he had when it came to swords. The war was over for now, but it didn't hurt to continue to practice in case something happened and they needed to be drafted.
-- It might just be me, but 'was' in the second sentence really sticks out. It seems like a present tense verb, not past. Lali? -- Five should be spelt out.
When Bree looked back at the War now, she was disappointed at how her village was so unprepared. Now that everything calmed down a bit, they {the villagers} were toughing up to keep everything and everyone out of harms way.
-- War. What type of war? Who fought? Even if it doesn't get put in this post, it should be explained somewhere later in the story/roleplay. -- {The villagers} isn't needed. The townsfolk (as in 'the townsfolk were now shaping up....') works better.
Last week Bree borrowed some of Drew's old clothes in exchange to help him with his swordsmanship. Right now, after 12 intense practices Bree's clothes had so many holes in it, it looked like the cows trampled all over it. It didn't help that when she got it from Drew it was worn thin at the knees and arms. Drew wearing his cut-off slacks had less cloth to fall on, which was better because he had learned to fall on his upper body, which was now streaked in dirt and sweat, as was Bree's.
-- Twelve should be spelt out. -- It it it. Too many it's in the second and third sentance. -- Last sentance should be, "Drew, wearing his cut-off slacks, had...." That's uneeded information added into a sentance, and it should be separated from the rest of it, like a disease.
"Come on! My pig-assed brother can do better than you, and that's on a bad day!" Bree yelled, hoping that Drew would take the bait as she swung at his left arm with her left sword to distract his attention for her right.
-- Separate the last sentance up more. Too long.
Thud. Her right sword connected with his collar bone. As Drew slammed his legs down to the ground from the force of the blow, Bree took her swords to the tip of his throat.
-- "As Drew slammed his legs down to the ground..." I have problems with the way this is worded. 'As Drew forcefully fell / slammed to the ground.....' -- How many swords does Bree have? One, two? Or did you mean 'sword's tip to the tip of his throat' because, if that's the case, don't have the second 'tip' there. Too repetitive.
"Yield or do I have to beat your ass again, you slime ball?" Bree said with a huge-ass smile.
-- "Yield, or do I...." Yield can be it's own separate sentance, so treat it as one, and keep it apart from the added bits. -- Slime ball? Is there even slime in medieval times? Other than cow/horse dung, that is?
Drew dropped his swords as he bowed his head and said "I never shall yield to you." Then with the strength he had left, he tackled her to the ground. Bree, completely surprised let go of her swords and braced herself for the impact of the dirt ground.
-- I thought Bree's sword was at his throat, so that would 1) make it hard for him to bow his head, and 2) tackle her. -- More comma mistakes here. "Bree, completely surprised, let go..." -- Ground is made out of dirt. We all know that. And dirt, the word, seems.... added in.
Drew grabbed Bree's sword as he sat on her stomach. He put the tip of her sword to her throat and with a huge-ass smile on his face said "Yield or do I have to beat your sorry ass again?"
-- Don't have to swear to make your point across (huge-ass, I mean).
Bree tried to shove Drew off but he had her completely pinned to the ground. Bree looked at Drew and said "You got 3 seconds to get off me or I am grabbing the family stones."
-- Three should be spelt out. -- Family stones? I figured her to be one a little more blunt than that. And I'm sure they didn't call them that back then.
Drew paled.
She wouldn't. Drew thought.
-- Those two paragraphs can be linked together, like, "He paled, thinking, "She wouldn't."
"One." Bree moves her hand our from under his leg.
"Two." Bree puts up two fingers.
-- Two mistakes of present tense. -- Is the same hand doing both moves? And if he's sitting on her as so, she wouldn't be able to move, or he'd prevent it, right?
As soon as Bree said "Three", Drew jumped off her to prevent pain from happening to his precious stones.
Hopefully she doesn't kill me for this. Drew thought as looked at Bree.
-- ".... kill me for this," Unless the thought is standing on it's own, without anything added on the end as such, add a comma. -- "as he looked at.." Forgot he.
As Bree laid on the ground to catch her breath, Drew threw down her swords and fell down on top of her.
-- Swords thing again. -- Down isn't needed. Fell on top of her is cleaner, easier to understand.
"What the hell Dr-" Bree's rant was suddenly cut off by a kiss from Drew.
-- "Bree was suddenly..." Cleaner. Rant's are longer.
Better, no doubt. Lali, Ru, Rie, got anything to add?
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Post by Lali on Oct 15, 2006 12:01:43 GMT -5
Whack! Bree's wooden sword clashed with Drew's. Even though he outweighed more than her by fifty pounds and was taller than her by 5 inches, she had more experience than he had when it came to swords. The war was over for now, but it didn't hurt to continue to practice in case something happened and they needed to be drafted.
-- It might just be me, but 'was' in the second sentence really sticks out. It seems like a present tense verb, not past. Lali? -- Five should be spelt out.
- Five should definitely be spelt out, yes. - The “was” seems alright to me. By definition it’s the imperfect tense, which is one of the past tenses, so it should be alright. It’s actually the repetition of “her” that makes the sentence seem odd, but choosing between “and was taller by five inches” and “and was taller than her by five inches” is a purely personal thing. Either one is correct. - What’s not right is “outweighed more than her by fifty pounds”. ^_^ Of course, you meant “outweighed her by more than fifty pounds”… I confess I didn’t catch that on the first read through, because the brain is so used to reading what it expects that it automatically assumes word order in a sentence is alright. Mm. I shall have to discuss that with everyone somewhere else. It’s quite fascinating. - The “now” doesn’t necessarily need to be italicised. You can if you want, but it’s clear enough without the extra emphasis.
When Bree looked back at the War now, she was disappointed at how her village was so unprepared. Now that everything calmed down a bit, they {the villagers} were toughing up to keep everything and everyone out of harms way.
-- War. What type of war? Who fought? Even if it doesn't get put in this post, it should be explained somewhere later in the story/roleplay. -- {The villagers} isn't needed. The townsfolk (as in 'the townsfolk were now shaping up....') works better.
- “the War” here is capitalised, whereas in the first paragraph it (“the war”) wasn’t. Either way is alright, though the first paragraph version might be better, just as long as you stick to one all the way through. - “Now that everything had calmed down a bit” seems better. - Agree with Shira on the {the villagers}. Those brackets look odd, too. What’s wrong with ()? ^_^ - “harms way” should be “harm’s way”. As in “the way that belonged to harm”…
Last week Bree borrowed some of Drew's old clothes in exchange to help him with his swordsmanship. Right now, after 12 intense practices Bree's clothes had so many holes in it, it looked like the cows trampled all over it. It didn't help that when she got it from Drew it was worn thin at the knees and arms. Drew wearing his cut-off slacks had less cloth to fall on, which was better because he had learned to fall on his upper body, which was now streaked in dirt and sweat, as was Bree's.
-- Twelve should be spelt out. -- It it it. Too many it's in the second and third sentance. -- Last sentance should be, "Drew, wearing his cut-off slacks, had...." That's uneeded information added into a sentance, and it should be separated from the rest of it, like a disease.
- “in exchange for helping him” - “Right now, after twelve intense practices, Bree’s clothes had so many holes that it looked like the cows had trampled all over them.” The “after twelve intense practices” is additional information, and should be separated from the rest of the sentence by a pair of commas. As Shira has mentioned with “Drew, wearing his cut-off slacks, had less…” if the sentence still makes sense without a section like that (which it does) you can separate it. Clothes is also plural, so you can’t have “in it”, “over it”, “got it” or “it was worn”, because “it” is singular. And “it looked like the cows had trampled…” works better. Otherwise it seems to imply that the cows trample all over it on a regular basis, not just the once at some time in the past. - You have two “which” sections in the last sentence. You’ve got the right punctuation with it (well done! ^_^) but having two additional bits like that makes the sentence seem slightly too long and unwieldy. Perhaps try splitting it up into two sentences.
"Come on! My pig-assed brother can do better than you, and that's on a bad day!" Bree yelled, hoping that Drew would take the bait as she swung at his left arm with her left sword to distract his attention for her right.
-- Separate the last sentance up more. Too long.
- And “his attention from her right” is better. ^_^ - And (on the second read-through) I do see now that you have mentioned that Bree has two swords. Good. As long as the information is in there, it’s my and Shira’s fault if we don’t find it. ( ;D We’re both blind, aren’t we, Shira?)
Thud. Her right sword connected with his collar bone. As Drew slammed his legs down to the ground from the force of the blow, Bree took her swords to the tip of his throat.
-- "As Drew slammed his legs down to the ground..." I have problems with the way this is worded. 'As Drew forcefully fell / slammed to the ground.....' -- How many swords does Bree have? One, two? Or did you mean 'sword's tip to the tip of his throat' because, if that's the case, don't have the second 'tip' there. Too repetitive.
- I hope they’re only using wooden swords… If she’s hitting his collar bone with force enough to knock him down, he’d be rather badly hurt by metal. Even so he’d get a nasty bruise – unless they’re wearing padding, of course. - I agree with Shira’s first point. “As Drew slammed his legs down” seems to indicate that he is making the movement on purpose, rather than being knocked down by Bree’s strike. - As I mentioned, I’ve seen now that you mentioned she has two swords (and Drew appears to as well… Gosh. They’re both very well-armed!) so that’s alright. - Do throats have tips…?
"Yield or do I have to beat your ass again, you slime ball?" Bree said with a huge-ass smile.
-- "Yield, or do I...." Yield can be it's own separate sentance, so treat it as one, and keep it apart from the added bits. -- Slime ball? Is there even slime in medieval times? Other than cow/horse dung, that is?
- I’m not fond of the “huge-ass smile”. Partially because you’ve already got “ass” earlier on in that line, and it seems repetitive, and partly because it doesn’t quite fit in with the medieval style you’ve managed to maintain quite well up until this point (they must have had slime, surely. ^_^ All those dank cellars and dungeons would be slimy, wouldn’t they?). I’d personally go for something more natural – something like, “with a broad grin”, “with a triumphant smile”, “with a smug grin” etc. There’s plenty of other words you can use that won’t snap the medieval atmosphere.
Drew dropped his swords as he bowed his head and said "I never shall yield to you." Then with the strength he had left, he tackled her to the ground. Bree, completely surprised let go of her swords and braced herself for the impact of the dirt ground.
-- I thought Bree's sword was at his throat, so that would 1) make it hard for him to bow his head, and 2) tackle her. -- More comma mistakes here. "Bree, completely surprised, let go..." -- Ground is made out of dirt. We all know that. And dirt, the word, seems.... added in.
- Mostly I agree. Perhaps drop the bowing his head and, to enable the tackle, have him knock her swords aside or something like that. ^_^ There are ways.
Drew grabbed Bree's sword as he sat on her stomach. He put the tip of her sword to her throat and with a huge-ass smile on his face said "Yield or do I have to beat your sorry ass again?"
-- Don't have to swear to make your point across (huge-ass, I mean).
- Again with the alternatives to “huge-ass”. Here smug would work well, or mocking, or any one of a dozen other choices. ^_^
Bree tried to shove Drew off but he had her completely pinned to the ground. Bree looked at Drew and said "You got 3 seconds to get off me or I am grabbing the family stones."
-- Three should be spelt out. -- Family stones? I figured her to be one a little more blunt than that. And I'm sure they didn't call them that back then.
- You’ve got “Bree” and “Drew” twice. You could easily replace the second pair with “She” and “him”, since there’s no-one else you could be referring to. - *giggles* Poor Drew.
Drew paled.
She wouldn't. Drew thought.
-- Those two paragraphs can be linked together, like, "He paled, thinking, "She wouldn't."
- Definitely don’t have two “Drew”s so close together.
"One." Bree moves her hand our from under his leg.
"Two." Bree puts up two fingers.
-- Two mistakes of present tense. -- Is the same hand doing both moves? And if he's sitting on her as so, she wouldn't be able to move, or he'd prevent it, right?
- Perhaps you could deal with Shira’s second point by making it clearer that Bree has to use some effort to get her hand free – so “Bree pulled one hand out from under his leg” or some other variation. - Also, beware of repeating her name too often, just like Drew’s.
As soon as Bree said "Three", Drew jumped off her to prevent pain from happening to his precious stones.
- “to prevent pain from happening…” sounds… weird. “Prevent pain from being caused”, perhaps. Or even simpler “to stop her from hurting…” might work best of all. But that, to me, needs altered a little.
Hopefully she doesn't kill me for this. Drew thought as looked at Bree.
-- ".... kill me for this," Unless the thought is standing on it's own, without anything added on the end as such, add a comma. -- "as he looked at.." Forgot he.
As Bree laid on the ground to catch her breath, Drew threw down her swords and fell down on top of her.
-- Swords thing again. -- Down isn't needed. Fell on top of her is cleaner, easier to understand.
- “lay” is the active past tense of “to lie”, not “laid”. “Laid” is passive. Something can “be laid down”, but a person “lay down”. - I agree with Shira’s first point for a different reason – I thought Drew only picked up one of her swords?
"What the hell Dr-" Bree's rant was suddenly cut off by a kiss from Drew.
-- "Bree was suddenly..." Cleaner. Rants are longer.
- Agreed, because she’s only asking him angrily, not ranting. - Aw! ^_^
Better, no doubt. Lali, Ru, Rie, got anything to add?
This is much better. It’s about the right length – so don’t go any further in the next draft. Save the next actions for the second post. ^_^ Your main areas of weakness seem to be tense (particularly between was/had been) and repetition of character names. They shouldn’t be too difficult to sort out, with a little practice. One other point might be that the paragraphs get shorter towards the end, but they read alright, so it’s not too important. I think you’re definitely getting there. ^_^
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Post by Bree on Oct 21, 2006 12:37:41 GMT -5
Yippe!!
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Post by Bree on Mar 24, 2007 20:40:52 GMT -5
Day #1
Foster home, again. Just because her step-dad had to ruin everything by finding her. She was stuck in another office to hear another verdict that she didn’t really care for. Didn’t he get it? She didn’t want anything to do with him or his booze. Nor did she want to deal with the “whiskey man”-the person he turned into- when he got mad. She didn’t wan to become his punching bag anymore.
The physical scars were finally healing after 2 years of -trying- staying away from him. The emotional ones…They were still there and throbbing in pain. Why can’t he leave her alone? Why did he have to take it that far? On top of anything else, why did her mum sign off her parental right to him when she died from leukemia 2 ½ years ago?
She just wanted to have a normal teenage life, without court dates, concerning case-workers or anything of that sort. Some times she wished she didn’t open her big mouth to the counselor at school. Then she would have had a semi-normal life, even though it included beatings.
She had to believe it was for the best…
Anabell sat Indian-style in one of the office chairs waiting for the “verdict”. She knew that “it was for the best” and that they were “looking out for her future” and all that bull-crap, but she was tired of it all. She just wanted to curl up under her blankets and sleep her problems away…
But NOOO… they -the court system- wouldn’t leave her alone. Nor her step-dad for that matter. She was getting real tired of it…No she was tired of it 2 years ago. Now she is just sick of it all..
As she cracked her neck, the secretary looked at her funny. She just didn’t understand some people. They had the tendency to watch everything she did which really made her mad. Didn’t people have better things to do?
She stood up to get the feelings back in her legs. She saw her pale complexion in the mirror across from her. Her silver blue eyes mirrored how she felt inside; determined, but bored. Her pants looked shabby and worn-through –they were- but she liked them that way. Paint stains were scattered all over her pants and there were some small holes on the bottom but they were her favorite. Her over-sized Ireland hoodie had some glitter on it from this morning-she loved glitter, it was so sparkly- and she rubbed some it off. Her blonde hair was waist-length and currently in numerous braids, majority of them didn’t even have ties. Her duffel bag was black with some white and yellow stars on it. She could never part with it. It had all her necessities, including her journal. Oh lordy, if some people read that, her ass would be grass and the world would be the lawn-mower.
Ms. Chubecco -her case-worker- poked her head in the waiting room and said: “Come on. I am ready for you.”
Annabel followed Ms. Chubecco into her office and sat in another uncomfortable chair. Without even thinking about it, she said “You guys seriously need to hit up management for some new chairs. Jagged rocks would be more comfortable than these things”
Ms. Chubecco couldn’t believe her. She had so much riding on her, so much depending on her and yet she decides to start bitchin’ about uncomfortable chairs. She sat down in her chair, her green business suit, that she bought because it matched her eyes, was getting even more wrinkled. Her usually neat brown hair was all frizzy and was sticking up in a lot of places. She didn’t want to be dealing with this at 9 am in the morning. Hello? Who would?
She had to set Anabell in her place and the only time was now. She here is goes..
“You have better and more important things to worry about than uncomfortable chairs. Like the fact that this is the up-teenth time I am placing you in a home and I am a wits end with you. You don’t take responsibility for what you do and you expect everyone to walk on egg shells just because of what happened to you. GET OVER IT! YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. You are just like everyone else and you need to learn that now before, oh, you go out in the real world. Not everyone is going to give you up-teenth chances to get it right. Hell, you’ll be lucky if they give you two. Hell is better than the real world, you know. They don’t care what you do, but the real world does.”
Anabell dropped her jaw. She couldn’t believe this. This {usual} easy-going, down-to-earth person, who preached to everyone and anyone that life is too short for bitchin’, was bitchin’ her out over something stupid. She couldn’t and didn’t want to believe it.
“Ex-cuse me?” Anabell said slowly.
“You don’t realize it do you?” Ms. Chubecco continued as if Annabel didn’t say anything. “This is the last home I can put you in. If this doesn’t work out, YOU ARE GOING TO A GROUP HOME. You don’t have any life-lines left, no friends to call, nada. You don’t have room to screw off anymore nor play your stupid games. You have to make this work. Don’t blow this meeting off nor blow of Mr…” Ms. Chubecco looks down at her case file. “Reed. You both need this. Got it?”
Anabell was stunned. She couldn’t believe that she was being put into her place by Ms. Chubecco of all people.
“Hello? Earth to Anabell? Do you understand?” Anabell nodded vigorously.
“No excuses?”
“Excuses are like assholes. Everyone has one and they all stink” Anabell mumbled.
“Care to share that last bit with me?”
“Not really.”
“Then let’s go.” Ms. Chubecco walked out with Anabell following close behind. She knew better than to just sit there; she would be lectured by everyone and their brother on how she was “wasting everyone’s time”. She also knew better than to take a detour; she had “disappeared” the last time and they had the cops looking for her everywhere in a 4 mile radius, when she was just on the balcony smoking a cigarette. Boy, did she piss off a hell’va lot of people that time. She also got a ticket for smoking underage, which she still has yet to pay.
She walked into the group room to see a middle aged man with no grey hair of wrinkles -that was about to change- lounging in a -what seem to be- comfortable chair. His legs were on top of the huge round table where there was paper work scattered. His brown hair looked almost as long as hers, she couldn’t be sure because it was pulled up in a pony tail. He was wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a black Chicago Bears hoodie. It looked like he had an earring in his left ear, she wasn’t really sure.
Ms. Chubecco pulled Anabell father into the room and pointed at a chair directly across from “Mr. Reed”; she took the one closer to the door instead.
Ms. Chubecco let out a prolonged sigh, and then cleared her throat to get “Mr. Reed’s” attention.
“Mr. Reed” looked startled as he finally noticed that people were in the room. He rubbed his eyes, looking like he was just waking up. His dark tan covered up most of his freckles, yet there was some right on his nose that seemed to forget that they were supposed to be tanned too.
Oh boy. This was going to be fun.
“Mr. Reed, this is Anabell. Anabell, this is Mr. Reed. Why don’t you chit-chat while I go get us some coffee, ya?” Ms. Chubecco walked briskly out of the room.
“Cream and sugar!” yelled both Mr. Reed and Anabell at the same time. Mr. Reed laughed, whilst Anabell looked down.
“At least we have something in common.” Mr. Reed said as he took his feet of the table. He smiled at her.
Who does that this day and age? Anabell thought..
He almost looked and sounded like he cared... She automatically put her defenses.
“Umm… I am going to cut to the chase then before Miss-dash-and-grab comes back. I don’t believe in rules. Honestly, I did nothing but rebel against them when I was your age and it got me in more trouble than you can imagine. I don’t believe that there are “stupid” questions. You can honestly ask me anything you like. I won’t hide anything from you. You are a year and a half away from becoming a legal adult and I don’t want you to miss anymore of your childhood than you have already….”
Day #132
Anabell smiled. She still could remember that day, even with out her journal.
It was the start of her; scratch that, their new life.
It was weird at first, having a home to call her own. Hell, it was weird having her own bedroom. But the weirdest of all was having someone to go to. Having someone care for her. Having somebody spend probably over three thousand dollars on new clothes and a bedroom set, just to prove to her that he would take care of her. That he was there to help her anyway possible and he didn’t care for booze/drugs nor the gov’t check that came in every month. {He actually signed it off to her, saying that teenagers needed money to go out and have fun}
She finally realized what her mum meant when she said, the day before she died, “Home is where your heart is, not where your two feet are planted.”
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