Saphira Application

[Saphira]

Name: Tatiana Nater
Age: 16
Contact: [e-mail], [e-mail]
Role Playing Experience: ((Never roleplayed before. Shira's newbie friend here.))

IC Information
Role Play Sample: "Ha! Told you I am good with an arrow!" Saphira told her brother, Sanity.

"All right, all right! You are good since the last time I saw you, but you still don't match up to me with magic," Pyro told her.

"You know very well all I can do is restore energy. I don't have that kind of gift," Saphira said.

They are in Sir Lancealot stable training and proving they are better than one another. Saphira has saphire eyes that are bright and blue. She is wearing her tunic and breeches with her brown boots. She has her bow in one hand and arrows in her arrow pouch. Pyro is wearing a black mage robe, tunic, and mage skirt.



The Genres: Fantasy - Medieval, Teen, Modern, Beginner Slasher (obviously!))

[Lali]

Hi Saphira, welcome to LoL! Thanks for your application - I'll move it to the Learners' Applications board, and I'll go through it for you at a later date (I'm currently running out of time on the internet - dinner calls, and all that! ). Hopefully within the next couple of days.

Ru, Shira, anything you want to add?

[Shira]

*sweatdrop* So I didn't read all of it when she posted it. Eheh. Good try.))))


"Ha! Told you I am good with an arrow!" Saphira told her brother, Sanity.

-- I'm good. I am is snobish.

"All right, all right! You are good since the last time I saw you, but you still don't match up to me with magic," Pyro told her.

-- 'You are better from the last time....'

"You know very well all I can do is restore energy. I don't have that kind of gift," Saphira said.

They are in Sir Lancealot stable training and proving they are better than one another. Saphira has saphire eyes that are bright and blue. She is wearing her tunic and breeches with her brown boots. She has her bow in one hand and arrows in her arrow pouch. Pyro is wearing a black mage robe, tunic, and mage skirt.

-- Sir Lancealot's stable.
-- Break up the sentances more, with more descriptions. What does the stable look like? Smell like? Where are they? What are they doing / training with?
-- Never mentioned Sanity's descriptions.

[Riemman]

Before I start ripping apart your post (j/k, it's not bad for a first-timer) I'd like to welcome you the Legion of Literates, better known as LoL. XD

Before anything else Shira,
--'You are better since the last time...' From doesn't work here.

"Ha! Told you I am good with an arrow!" Saphira told her brother, Sanity.

---It depends on what you're trying to do here. The way you have it 'I am' does sound snobbish, but you can always get rid of the 'Told you' and leave it 'I am good with an arrow'. It gives a slightly different effect but is still effective without sounding stuck up. Unless that's what you're going for.

"All right, all right! You are good since the last time I saw you, but you still don't match up to me with magic," Pyro told her.

---Again, 'You are better since the last time'. Depending on the personality of your character you can keep it as 'You are' or make it "You're". Also, 'you still can't match me in magic' sounds a lot better. 'Match up to me' doesn't really make sense.

They are in Sir Lancealot stable training and proving they are better than one another. Saphira has saphire eyes that are bright and blue. She is wearing her tunic and breeches with her brown boots. She has her bow in one hand and arrows in her arrow pouch. Pyro is wearing a black mage robe, tunic, and mage skirt.

--It's spelled 'Sir Lancelot's'.
--I agree with Shira, add more description of the surroundings.
--It's unclear whether Sanity is Pyro or if they're two different people. Differenciate between the two if they are different or make it more obvious if they're the same person.

--It'd be good to flesh it out a bit more. Don't just leave it there. Add a little more as to maybe why they're training. A little background is good, as it provides information about the world and situation your characters are placed in. That always helps in a role play.

[Lali]

Mm, colour-fest. I'm talking in a delicious mustard yellow, 'cause Rie stole my green! Anywho. Another welcome to you Saphira! ^_^ Enjoy your stay!



"Ha! Told you I am good with an arrow!" Saphira told her brother, Sanity.


-- I'm good. I am is snobbish.

---It depends on what you're trying to do here. The way you have it 'I am' does sound snobbish, but you can always get rid of the 'Told you' and leave it 'I am good with an arrow'. It gives a slightly different effect but is still effective without sounding stuck up. Unless that's what you're going for.


- “Told you I am good with an arrow” doesn’t work too well for me. As Shira said, “I’m” is probably better, purely for the fact that it sounds more like natural speech than “I am”.
- Also, perhaps consider changing “an arrow” to “a bow”. Archers are often described as being good with a bow, but I’ve never heard one said to be good with an arrow. It’s like being good with a gun, rather than good with a bullet.


"All right, all right! You are good since the last time I saw you, but you still don't match up to me with magic," Pyro told her.


-- 'You are better from the last time....'

---Again, 'You are better since the last time'. Depending on the personality of your character you can keep it as 'You are' or make it "You're". Also, 'you still can't match me in magic' sounds a lot better. 'Match up to me' doesn't really make sense.

- Definitely better, because he’s comparing her as she is now to as she was earlier on. Good, better, best. The middle one is for comparing. Otherwise for me that sentence is alright, because it does sound like something someone would say. Probably “You’re better than you were the last time…” would be the most correct option.
- But who’s Pyro? They’ve just appeared out of nowhere! Perhaps add some more description to clear that up. If Pyro and Sanity are the same person, make sure to say so fairly early on. If not, have a bit in there somewhere to say who Pyro is –perhaps something like “Pyro, another of their friends…” and carry on. You could add in some description there before Pyro speaks.


"You know very well all I can do is restore energy. I don't have that kind of gift," Saphira said.

They are in Sir Lancealot stable training and proving they are better than one another. Saphira has saphire eyes that are bright and blue. She is wearing her tunic and breeches with her brown boots. She has her bow in one hand and arrows in her arrow pouch. Pyro is wearing a black mage robe, tunic, and mage skirt.


-- Sir Lancealot's stable.
-- Break up the sentances more, with more descriptions. What does the stable look like? Smell like? Where are they? What are they doing / training with?
-- Never mentioned Sanity's descriptions.

--It's spelled 'Sir Lancelot's'.
--I agree with Shira, add more description of the surroundings.
--It's unclear whether Sanity is Pyro or if they're two different people. Differenciate between the two if they are different or make it more obvious if they're the same person.

--It'd be good to flesh it out a bit more. Don't just leave it there. Add a little more as to maybe why they're training. A little background is good, as it provides information about the world and situation your characters are placed in. That always helps in a role play.

- If you’re going for the King Arthur theme, then yes, it’s generally spelt Sir Lancelot. If it’s your own creation and just happens to be similar, then of course you can spell it how you please. Either way, if the stable belongs to him, you need the ’s on the end of his name. If it’s the name of the stable, (you never know) then you need a “the” before Sir.
- Sapphire has two ps. I should know, it’s my birthstone after all. ^_^
- All the dialogue has been done in past tense, yet here you’ve switched to present. There’s no real need to change tenses. Past works equally well, and keeps consistency.
- Oh, and when you say arrow pouch, do you mean quiver?


It’s a good start, as Shira and Rie have said, but it needs expanding a little. More detail is always good!

You’ve got two or three characters here – tell us a little more about their physical appearance, and anything else that helps build up their character. For instance:
- Do any of them have any habits or mannerisms that they might be doing at this point?
- How do they say things? Is Pyro grumpy because of having to admit that Saphira is better with a bow, or laughing because s/he (and that’s a problem… I’m assuming that Pyro is a separate person from Sanity, and a girl because of the “mage skirt”, but I don’t know for sure, which makes it difficult to reply) doesn’t mind losing?
- If Sanity’s a separate person, what is he doing while all this is being said? Practicing idly with a sword perhaps, or just leaning against the stable wall and watching his friends?
It’s details like this that make a post interesting and easier to reply to.

Hope that helps. ^_^

[Saphira]

Medallion of Chaos

"Ha! I’m better with bows and arrows!" Saphira told her brother, Sanity.

"All right, all right! You did get better since the last time I saw you, but you still don't match up to me with magic," Sanity told her.

"You know very well all I’m able to do is restore energy. I don't have that kind of gift," Saphira said.

They’re in Sir Lancelot stable training and competing with each other. Saphira has sapphire eyes that are bright and blue. She was wearing her tunic and breeches with her brown boots. Her bow, in her left hand, was old with age, and arrows were in her arrow pouch. The stable was old and rundown; horses were in another, recently built, stable. Sir Lancelot wanted to tear it down, but it is filled with many memories, so now it is a training ground for beginners.

“Whew! I’m beat. Do you want to take a break?” Sanity asked.

“No, I’m going to train with my dagger now,” Saphira told him.

“Fine, if you need me I will be in my study,” Sanity said as he left.

Saphira put up the dummy which is a sack of wood. She began to practice her sword fighting, when Sanity came rushing in the stable.

“Saphira come quick! I’ve been robbed!” Sanity yelled.

They ran up to Sanity’s house. It is a wooden house with green paint on the walls. Saphira always hated the paint because if you looked at it for too long, you will start to get a headache. Some walls looked like they have been scorched because Sanity was always doing an experiment that always seems to blow up in his face. Luckily, Saphira was there to heal him in time before he looked like a walking crispy chicken. Those were her old time memories of that old house. It smelled of fresh bread and apple pie because when Sanity took his break from training he was making food. They went into his study which smelled of old books and scrolls.

“Oh goddess of Gallia. What happened here?” Saphira asked.

“They took it. I can’t believe they took it. I worked on it for fifteen years and now it’s gone,” Sanity said to himself.

“What did they take?” Saphira asked.

“They took the…” Sanity stuttered.

“The what?” Saphira asked impatiently.

“The medallion of chaos,” Sanity whispered.

“Oh no,” Saphira said.

The medallion of chaos is the worst spell in the world. It was once originated by the dark god, Dellinar. He once walked the earth, spreading war and destruction to everyone he spoke to. He was all mighty and powerful and he was with war with the gods. His minions marched with him, killing people along the way. The goddess, Miya, and her sister, Liza, had to contain Dellinar’s power. They took a very special treasure from their father, Mithalar, to contain his power. How they did it was unknown. The tale was legendary and never had been forgotten. Only Silvertongue, the oldest man on earth, knows the legend of the medallion of chaos. No one knows why he’s still living. Some say he has unnatural powers. Others say he’s not human, but no one knows where he lives or who is family is.

[Lali]

Apologies for the colour-fest again. I couldn't help myself. ^_^

Medallion of Chaos

"Ha! I’m better with bows and arrows!" Saphira told her brother, Sanity.

- Aw, where’d your “Told you” go? I liked that little touch, it was very good for characterisation and for showing the slightly childish, or relaxed and joking, manner of their argument. ^_^ Although if you put it back in bear in mind that you’ll have to change the “told her brother” to something else, or you’ll have two tolds together.

"All right, all right! You did get better since the last time I saw you, but you still don't match up to me with magic," Sanity told her.

"You know very well all I’m able to do is restore energy. I don't have that kind of gift," Saphira said.

- Very nice. Simple yet revealing.

They’re in Sir Lancelot stable training and competing with each other. Saphira has sapphire eyes that are bright and blue. She was wearing her tunic and breeches with her brown boots. Her bow, in her left hand, was old with age, and arrows were in her arrow pouch. The stable was old and rundown; horses were in another, recently built, stable. Sir Lancelot wanted to tear it down, but it is filled with many memories, so now it is a training ground for beginners.

- Be careful with your tenses. “They were in…” “Saphira had…” Everything up to here has been past tense, and bits of this paragraph are, but you switch to present unnecessarily.
- Again “Sir Lancelot stable”. Is that “Sir Lancelot’s stable”, as in the stable belonging to Sir Lancelot? It certainly seems to be, from the later part of the paragraph. Just mind your possessives! ^_^
- Sapphire implies the blue in her eyes. Adding that they’re blue is unnecessary repetition, so you could change that to “bright sapphire eyes” or use a different adjective in place of “blue”.
- Similarly, “old with age”. Most things with age are old… Depending on how old the bow is, and how well-kept it’s been, it may be “dark with age” or “weak with age”, but “old with age” is awkward and unnecessary.

“Whew! I’m beat. Do you want to take a break?” Sanity asked.

“No, I’m going to train with my dagger now,” Saphira told him.

“Fine, if you need me I will be in my study,” Sanity said as he left.

- A small point, but everything here is Saphira/Sanity. Since they’re both different genders, you could use “She/He” for variety, or even, since you’re focusing on Saphira, “Her brother” in place of one of the “Sanity”s. I’m a big fan of variety, you see. ^_^
- You could also make Sanity’s dialogue a little more relaxed by changing “I will” to “I’ll”, but that’s up to you.

Saphira put up the dummy which is a sack of wood. She began to practice her sword fighting, when Sanity came rushing in the stable.

- That first sentence – watch your tense again! You should have a comma before the “which” and change the is to was. That seems better to me.
- The “in” near the end should be “into”.
- Oh, and a very minor point, but since Sanity has already been in the stable, and is now returning, to me that second sentence would benefit from a “back”. Like “came rushing back into the stable”.

“Saphira come quick! I’ve been robbed!” Sanity yelled.

- I, personally, think there should be a comma after “Saphira”.
- Sanity was the last person mentioned, so you could easily refer to him as “he” instead of repeating his name here.

They ran up to Sanity’s house. It is a wooden house with green paint on the walls. Saphira always hated the paint because if you looked at it for too long, you will start to get a headache. Some walls looked like they have been scorched because Sanity was always doing an experiment that always seems to blow up in his face. Luckily, Saphira was there to heal him in time before he looked like a walking crispy chicken. Those were her old time memories of that old house. It smelled of fresh bread and apple pie because when Sanity took his break from training he was making food. They went into his study which smelled of old books and scrolls.

- Tense!
- “like a walking crispy chicken” I like it, but does it fit with the medieval setting?
- “old time memories of that old house” Double old. And I’m not sure of either “old time” or “that old house”. Consider changing them – perhaps fond memories of the old house, or something like that.
- “… from training he was making food.” The “was making” stands out here. If this is a regular thing, then “took his break” should be followed by “he made”. If it’s just this once, then it seems better as “had taken his break” with “had been making food”.
- You’ve got two “smelled of”s in close proximity here. This stands out at the moment, but you could make it less jarring by some slight alterations. Personally, I would have something like “It usually smelled of fresh bread and apple pie, because when Sanity took his break from training he made food. They went into his study, which, by contrast, smelled of old books and scrolls.”
- Which reminds me. Commas before the “because” and the “which”. Before the because, since it’s a reasonably long sentence and the pause is necessary to enable you to say it comfortably, and before the “which” because that’s a rough rule I follow. “Blah blah blah, which blah blah” as opposed to “blah blah blah that blah blah”. ^_^

“Oh goddess of Gallia. What happened here?” Saphira asked.

- From that, I’m assuming that the study has been absolutely ransacked and is in even more of a mess than usual. (I’ve yet to read of a tidy mage. ) But I’m not sure. A simple tag like “Saphira asked, looking around at the mess the study was in” would clear up that confusion. Otherwise there’s nothing to explain why Saphira has such a strong reaction and wonders what’s happened there.

“They took it. I can’t believe they took it. I worked on it for fifteen years and now it’s gone,” Sanity said to himself.

- So he’d be over thirty, then?

“What did they take?” Saphira asked.

“They took the…” Sanity stuttered.

“The what?” Saphira asked impatiently.

“The medallion of chaos,” Sanity whispered.

“Oh no,” Saphira said.

- Be careful. The past seven paragraphs are all very short, begin with dialogue, and contain either “Saphira” or “Sanity”. Try and vary your dialogue more, so that you have different phrases for the two characters (“the mage”, “her brother”, “he”, “she” etc.) and don’t start every line with speech. For example, Impatiently, Saphira interrupted, “The what?” or With a look of horror on his face, the mage whispered, “The medallion of chaos.” You see?

The medallion of chaos is the worst spell in the world. It was once originated by the dark god, Dellinar. He once walked the earth, spreading war and destruction to everyone he spoke to. He was all mighty and powerful and he was with war with the gods. His minions marched with him, killing people along the way. The goddess, Miya, and her sister, Liza, had to contain Dellinar’s power. They took a very special treasure from their father, Mithalar, to contain his power. How they did it was unknown. The tale was legendary and never had been forgotten. Only Silvertongue, the oldest man on earth, knows the legend of the medallion of chaos. No one knows why he’s still living. Some say he has unnatural powers. Others say he’s not human, but no one knows where he lives or who is family is.

- Whoa! Information dump! I’m fascinated by the ideas in this paragraph, but you might want to consider leaving it out of your opening post and putting it in a few posts later on in the RP. If I had a character in this, I’d make sure they didn’t have a clue what the medallion of chaos was, so one of your characters could explain it to them and get the information across that way. Otherwise the name of it (medallion of chaos) is quite enough to worry any newcomer, without your having to tell the other RPers immediately that it “is the worst spell in the world”.
- Otherwise, be careful of your tenses! Keep past tense.
- You also have “once” twice (haha… ^_^’ Sorry) in quick succession. “He once walked the earth” is fine, but “It was once originated” doesn’t quite work. A simpler “It was created” might be better.
- “He was all mighty and powerful and he was with war with the gods.” Almighty. And if he was almighty, then there was nothing more powerful than him. He may have been incredibly powerful and mighty, but not quite almighty. And “he was at war with the gods.” You also mentioned that he was a god (albeit a dark one) so surely “at war with the other gods”. Also, you have “he was” twice in a sentence. That’s unnecessary. “He was mighty and powerful, and was at war with the other gods” is slightly better…
- “The goddess, Miya, and her sister, Liza, had to contain Dellinar’s power”. You could remove a couple of commas here (good grief, I’ve never been known to advocate fewer commas before…) before Miya and Liza. As in “The goddess Miya, and her sister Liza, had to contain Dellinar’s power.”
- “They took a very special treasure from their father, Mithalar, to contain his power.” You’ve got the “contain his power” twice, effectively. Instead of that, you could use “to do this”, or “to achieve this”, “for this purpose” or any other variation like that.
- “Only Silvertongue, the oldest man on earth, knows the legend of the medallion of chaos. No one knows why he’s still living. Some say he has unnatural powers. Others say he’s not human, but no one knows where he lives or who is family is.” TENSE! ^_^’
- “who his family are” – one typo, one singular/plural mixture. Family here definitely seems to be plural, since you’ve got “who”, which implies that you’re talking about individual members rather than his family as a whole unit.

Other than that last paragraph, that’s getting better. I wouldn’t advise going any further with the plot in this post – you’ve gone as far as you need to for an opener. Without that last paragraph it’s just a little short for an introduction, judging by the averages on this site, but if you go into more detail on the characters, actions and settings (like the stable) then you’ll easily expand it and get more information in there.
I’ve mentioned that the post would work better as an introduction without that final paragraph, because it reads too much like an Out Of Character plot summary, rather than a narrator’s voice. And I’d be cautious of trying to work it in yourself using these characters, because that’s often regarded as a rather clichéd way of telling readers things, and there are other players around for such character interaction.
Your main areas of weakness seem to be tense, repetition of character names, and a habit of starting paragraphs with dialogue. I’ve tried to give you an idea of what other options you have for paragraphs and character names, and with a little practice that’ll improve. Tense shouldn’t give you too much trouble if you remember to read through and check that everything is in the past before you post.
Well done, though, this was much clearer to follow than the original. You’ve already improved in a single redraft. ^_^

[Saphira]

Medallion of chaos

"Ha! Told you I’m better with bows and arrows!" Saphira said to her brother, Sanity.

"All right, all right! You did get better since the last time I saw you, but you still don't match up to me with magic," Sanity said to her.

"You know very well all I’m able to do is restore energy. I don't have that kind of gift," Saphira said.

They were in Sir Lancelot’s stable training and competing with each other. Saphira had bright sapphire eyes. She was wearing her tunic and breeches with her brown boots. Her bow, in her left hand, was old and passed down through her mother, and arrows were in her arrow pouch. The stable was old and rundown; horses were in another, recently built, stable. Sir Lancelot wanted to tear it down, but it was filled with many memories, so now it was a training ground for begging knights.

“Whew! I’m beat. Do you want to take a break?” asked Sanity.

“No, I’m going to train with my dagger now,” she said to him.

“Fine, if you need me I’ll be in my study,” he said as he left.

Saphira put up the dummy, which was a sack of wood. She began to practice her sword fighting, when Sanity came rushing back into the stable.

“Saphira, come quick! I’ve been robbed!” he yelled.

They ran up to his house wooden house with green paint on the walls. Saphira always hated the paint because if you looked at it for too long, you will start to get a headache. Some walls looked like they have been scorched because Sanity was always doing an experiment that always seems to blow up in his face. Luckily, Saphira was there to heal him in time before he looked like a walking burned goblin. Those were her memories of that old house. It smelled of fresh bread and apple pie because when Sanity took his break from training he was making food. They went into his study which smelled of old books and scrolls.

“Oh goddess of Gallia. What happened here?” Saphira asked, looking at the mess the study was in.

“They took it. I can’t believe they took it. I worked on it for some time, and now it’s gone,” Sanity said to himself.

“What did they take?” she asked.

“They took the…” the mage stuttered.

She couldn’t be stand it anymore and immediately said, “The what?”

“The medallion of chaos,” Sanity whispered. He looked very pale, and ghostly like.

“Oh no,” she said in horror.

[Lali]

Medallion of chaos

"Ha! Told you I’m better with bows and arrows!" Saphira said to her brother, Sanity.

"All right, all right! You did get better since the last time I saw you, but you still don't match up to me with magic," Sanity said to her.

"You know very well all I’m able to do is restore energy. I don't have that kind of gift," Saphira said.

They were in Sir Lancelot’s stable training and competing with each other. Saphira had bright sapphire eyes. She was wearing her tunic and breeches with her brown boots. Her bow, in her left hand, was old and passed down through her mother, and arrows were in her arrow pouch. The stable was old and rundown; horses were in another, recently built, stable. Sir Lancelot wanted to tear it down, but it was filled with many memories, so now it was a training ground for begging knights.

Begging knights?

“Whew! I’m beat. Do you want to take a break?” asked Sanity.

“No, I’m going to train with my dagger now,” she said to him.

“Fine, if you need me I’ll be in my study,” he said as he left.

Saphira put up the dummy, which was a sack of wood. She began to practice her sword fighting, when Sanity came rushing back into the stable.

“Saphira, come quick! I’ve been robbed!” he yelled.

They ran up to his house wooden house with green paint on the walls. Saphira always hated the paint because if you looked at it for too long, you will start to get a headache. Some walls looked like they have been scorched because Sanity was always doing an experiment that always seems to blow up in his face. Luckily, Saphira was there to heal him in time before he looked like a walking burned goblin. Those were her memories of that old house. It smelled of fresh bread and apple pie because when Sanity took his break from training he was making food. They went into his study which smelled of old books and scrolls.

This paragraph is trouble.
- “his house wooden house”
- “Saphira always hated the paint because if you looked at it for too long, you will start to get a headache.” Tenses!
- - “Saphira always hated…” means that Saphira hated it again and again and again, every single time – but not continuously. However, if she had always hated it…
- - “if you looked at it for too long, you will start…” Past then present here. Keep consistency – “if you looked at it… you started…” or “if you looked at it… you would start…” In present it would be: “if you look at it… you will/you start…”
- Again with tenses in the next sentence – they look like they have, or they looked like they had… You also have two “always” in a sentence, and the “seems” should be “seemed” for past tense.
- “a walking burned goblin” – it seems to me that you’ve just substituted something for “crispy chicken” to try and keep the medieval bit going… And it doesn’t quite work. Maybe if you took the “walking” out – because having that implies that whatever you’re comparing him to can’t walk, and of course goblins can. *nods* Quite quickly in fact. ^_^
- “took his break from training he was making”. Mph. “took… made…” seems better, if it’s something Sanity does often, but if it’s just this once, “had taken… had been making/had made” would probably work better.

“Oh goddess of Gallia. What happened here?” Saphira asked, looking at the mess the study was in.

“They took it. I can’t believe they took it. I worked on it for some time, and now it’s gone,” Sanity said to himself.

- The “some time” is too weak. When you removed “fifteen years” you could have simply made it “years” or “so long” to keep the emphasis…

“What did they take?” she asked.

“They took the…” the mage stuttered.

She couldn’t be stand it anymore and immediately said, “The what?”

“The medallion of chaos,” Sanity whispered. He looked very pale, and ghostly like.

“Oh no,” she said in horror.

You really are almost there with this (and I apologise if I’ve sounded a bit snappy anywhere. It wasn’t intentional…) apart from trouble with tenses, which trips a lot of people up. (And I’ve been helping some people in my English class, so trust me when I say that that seems to be one of the major problem areas in general…)
You should probably join, or even start, if you want, a Sandpit RP. They’re good practice. Even for the accepted members. ^_^