Raven's Applications

[Raven thorn]

Name: Raven X
Age: 14
Contact: [e-mail] (I’m not on this one much) Raventhorn(gaia, I’m on at least once a day just to check in)
Role Playing Experience: I’ve been on neopets for about 2 years role-playing, I have been role-playing with my friends at school, I have been on a few proboards like this one in the past, along with gaia.


Role Play Sample:
(One of my older intros)

Black hair flew in the wind showing a face not of evil or kindness, ugly or handsome. But of an average boy, but he wasn’t average inside. Inside he was holding a great power, one that would cast fear into the hearts of many. Kristin brushed his black hair back out of his chocolate brown eyes and continued to walk around the castle’s grounds. He watched not where he was going but where the shadows were going. He didn’t enjoy his powers but didn’t hate them either. His mind was made up that he wanted to be a normal person. Shaking his head he headed inside before his mother woke up and found him prancing about in the dark. Going up to his room he changed back into his sleeping gown and hid his muddy shoes from sight.

His father wanted to expand the kingdom's reach but couldn't without a war, so without warning his father slowly tried taking over other kingdoms. Kristin often said his father was corrupt with power but no one listened to him. They wouldn't listen to him until he was king. And that would never happen. Kristin was stuck in this castle in the middle of all of this until it was over to 'save' him.
A maid walked in “Kristin…you have been outside again” she said softly seeing the clothes in a bundle on the floor.

“Really or have I just taken a liking to one of the maids?” Kristin said as a joke and watched the maid turn red and walk out quickly but not before swearing she would tell his mother.

Kristin got up quickly and changed before leaving his room. No, he wasn’t out to explore the town or out to see a town girl, he just needed to stay out of his mother’s grasp for a while. Sometimes his mother’s screams at him were so loud the whole wing could hear her and he wasn’t even sure about the rest of the castle. ‘I could hide out in the main castle’ he though and started running there only stopping when he reached the center room and looked up at the painted walls of angels and sunlight, large stain glass windows and lack of shadows.

Sitting down he caught his breath and laid back against the wall. He felt safe here, no chance of losing control, and barely a chance of being caught.

Closing his eyes Kristin pressed his hands over his eyes to block out all light. He had always been attracted to shadows and darkness, but only when he was very angry did anything…odd ever happen. And it had only gotten more powerful as his twelfth year moved farther and farther along.

“KRISTIN” A shrieking voice, the voice of his mother came. Kristin shot up and looked around there was a door for each kingdom’s wing and he took the first on he reached, AIR. Running in he kept his head low and hid in a corner. He could still hear his mother’s voice but it was getting fainter and fainter until he couldn’t hear it.

Unable to pass up this chance of exploring a place he didn’t know, Kristin walked down the hallway slowly trying not to draw notice to himself. But it wasn’t working for he was dressed in royal clothing and he was the only prince in the castle.

The Genres:
Vampire
Mystical creatures
Magic school

(And a lot more but I can’t think of any right now…)

[Lali]

Hi there. Welcome to Legion of Literates (or LoL, as we tend to call it...)

Thanks for your application - Ru'Thor and I will get back to you within the next few days about it. ^_^

For now, feel free to post on any of the OOC Forums or in the shoutbox at the bottom of the page. Enjoy your stay. ;D

[Lali]

Hi again, sorry this took so long.

Intro's not too bad, but a little careless at times ("cast fear the hearts of many", for instance - there's an "into" missing in there). There are also some slight grammar issues, but it's not too bad. Maybe a few extra commas might help (in long sentences such as, "Unable to pass up this chance of exploring a place he didn’t know Kristin walked down the hallway slowly trying not to draw notice to himself" which sound a little strange all in one breath) but the whole thing is understandable.

Maybe just check through it again and neaten it up a touch.

Ru?

[Raven thorn]

Kicking a rock across the sidewalk into the street heavy combat boots fell in a steady beat as the wearer walked. Marie knew her mother hated the outfit she chose to wear for the first day of her new school. A burnt orange shirt with a black leather jacket over it and baggy blue jeans she stole from her brother, along with her dad’s old black combat boots. Her dark brown, almost black, hair was pulled into pig tails and she had thick bangs that covered her light brown eyes.

She came from a nice family, good house with middle class payment, parents didn’t fight, older brother in college and her sister was going into middle school with an A average. So why did she always fight with them? Why did she do everything she could to be different and an outcast? She didn’t know but some teacher said it was because she wanted to be noticed. She didn’t have piercing like most ‘punks’, she found them too annoying to wear but she did have a messenger bag covered in old bike locks and markers.

Everything she owned was either old or second hand from a store she worked at part time, it was kind of like a cheap store filled with okay clothes, no designer brands or anything. She looked up from the side walk as she came to the school and sighed

“I hate school” she said softly to herself and was almost attacked by a teacher.

“Excuse me Miss…” he started as he looked at her outfit.

“My name is Marie.” She said knowing what was coming up.

“Miss Marie, you are not in your school uniform. If you don’t wish for your parents to be called you will come with me and go change,” he stated in a dull monotone voice.

Marie sighed “Fine” she said and followed him into the office.

As she walked in she got a few odd looks by a few girls who were in black skirts and white blouses, they all looked like robots. “Um…hi” she said as she was taken into the back and handed clothes. She frowned but went to the bathroom and changed. She walked back out rather unhappy in the skirt that was an inch above her knees and the white shirt that wasn’t baggy. She went and sat in one the chairs crossing her arms as she waited for them to give her back her bag.

[Raven thorn]

Kicking a rock across the sidewalk into the street heavy combat boots fell in a steady beat as the wearer walked. Marie knew her mother hated the outfit she chose to wear for the first day of her new school. A burnt orange shirt with a black leather jacket over it and baggy blue jeans she stole from her brother, along with her dad’s old black combat boots. Her dark brown, almost black, hair was pulled into pig tails and she had thick bangs that covered her light brown eyes.

She came from a nice family, good house with middle class payment, parents didn’t fight, older brother in college and her sister was going into middle school with an A average. So why did she always fight with them? Why did she do everything she could to be different and an outcast? She didn’t know but some teachers said it was because she wanted to be noticed. She didn’t have piercing like most ‘punks’, she found them too annoying to wear but she did have a messenger bag covered in old bike locks and markers.

The only reason she was to go to an all girls boarding school after her grandmother saw her making out with a boy. Her grandmother didn’t even care that she was kissing a boy, but the boy had pink hair and was dressed like a girl that bothered her, and almost gave her a heart attack.

"Kiss-ups... only because she's rich," she said, and kicked the rock harder down the sidewalk. Her grandmother had refused to help the family a few years ago. It was true that her grandmother was rich, but she didn't spend any of the money on anything 'silly' as she called it. That was why everything Marie owned was either old or second hand from a store she worked at part time.

She looked up from the side walk as she came to the school and sighed

“I hate school” she said softly to herself and was almost attacked by a teacher.

“Excuse me Miss…” he started as he looked at her outfit.

“My name is Marie.” She said knowing what was coming up.

“Miss Marie, you are not in your school uniform. If you don’t wish for your parents to be called you will come with me and go change,” he stated in a dull monotone voice.

Marie sighed “Fine” she said and followed him into the office.

As she walked in she got a few odd looks from a few girls who were in black skirts and white blouses, they all looked like robots. “Um…hi” she said as she was taken into the back and handed clothes. She frowned but went to the bathroom and changed. She walked back out rather unhappy in the skirt that was an inch above her knees and the white shirt that wasn’t baggy. She went and sat in one the chairs crossing her arms as she waited for them to give her back her bag.

((I'm not sure which one is right. The second one I think is a bit ranting, and tell alot of worthless information, but the info could bring in twists and plot changes later in the roleplay. So I just want to see what you think. Also I need to make sure all my grammer and word chioces are right.))

[Lali]

They're not bad. You still need to watch out for things like the layout, in particular - it might be easier to split paragraphs so that they have a line break between them.

Like this. That way it's easier to read, and to see if anything's gone wrong.

Also, dialogue. If a sentence begins with dialogue and is a new person speaking, it should also be the start of a new paragraph. For example, from yours:

...and sighed.

“I hate school” she said softly to herself and was almost attacked by a teacher.

“Excuse me Miss…” he started as he looked at her outfit.

“My name is Marie,” she said, knowing what was coming up.

Spelling doesn't seem too bad. (Though "all girls boarding school" shouldn't have an apostrophe. ) It's more the grammar that seems a problem.

As introductions go, they're both (all three? ;D) perfectly alright, plotwise and setting-wise and so on. You just need to get the technicalities sorted. ^_^

If you just want to edit any one of the ones you've put forward, I'll take another look. Feel free to start anything in the Sandpit in the meantime, and keep checking in on the OOC forums as you have been. ^_^

[Raven thorn]

I fixed them all up. You are right, when it is broken up a bit more it looks alot nicer. ^_^

[Lali]

(Focusing on the last one) That's not bad. A few spelling bits and pieces (like piercings and "a few odd looks from a few girls...") but nothing especially drastic or distracting.

Only: "...as she called it.
and that is why everything she owned was either..."

That seems like a formatting problem. It might be better if you take the second line and change it to "That was why everything she owned..." and make it part of the first paragraph. That would seem to work better.

Almost there, though. ^_^

[Raven thorn]

Okay...I think I have it down now. Goodness I really need to work at my format and structure.

[Lali]

I'm sorry, you misunderstood a little. I guess I wasn't very clear.


"“Kiss-ups…only because she is rich,” she said and kicked the rock harder down sidewalk. That is why everything she owned was either old or second hand from a store she worked at part time, her grandmother refused to help the family a few years ago. It was true her grandmother was rich but didn’t spend any of the money on anything ‘silly’ as she called it."


What I meant was for that to be edited to flow better. Something like:

"Kiss-ups... only because she's rich," she said, and kicked the rock harder down the sidewalk. Her grandmother had refused to help the family a few years ago. It was true that her grandmother was rich, but she didn't spend any of the money on anything 'silly' as she called it. That was why everything Marie owned was either old or second hand from a store she worked at part time."


Does that make sense?

You might want to read through the rest of it very carefully as well, and make sure you haven't missed the occasional word out. Also double-check the spelling.

If those alterations go alright, that should be about it.

[Raven thorn]

Okay...I'm confuzzled(I know it is a werid word).
Okay...I'll re-read it later when I'm at home, I'm in my second period class right now...

[Lali]

That's alright. Sorry, I try not to be confusing but sometimes I can't help it. My fault.


(And by the way, I do like your intro in the Sandpit. That's cool.)

[Raven thorn]

Thank you, it used to be only 3 sentences long.

[Lali]

Nice going. Well done on expanding it, then. ^_^

[Raven thorn]

She is also one of my older characters so I know her past alot better. Marie on the other hand I haven't written on too much so she is still in development stages. ^_^ But thank you anyway.