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Post by Lali on Feb 13, 2007 12:52:19 GMT -5
Hi Piro, welcome to Legion of Literates (fondly known as LoL). Ru'Thor and I will get back to you about your app within the next few days.
Until then, feel free to post on the Out of Character Forums and in the shoutbox at the bottom of the page.
Enjoy your stay. ^_^
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Post by Lali on Mar 12, 2007 14:09:36 GMT -5
Hi again. I'm very sorry this took so long - to be quite honest it's difficult to know exactly what to say about your sample. There's a few problems with it. One thing that stands out is that you tend to skip from present to past tense unnecessarily. For example, you go from, "Nathan opens the door..." (present tense) to "screamed Thorn" (past tense) near the end. This makes it awkward to read and can seem like you're not paying attention to what you're writing... A couple of spelling mistakes here and there, most probably typos ("Mystery Fhat" - should be That?, "loose" - should be lose etc.), so not too bad on that front. Beyond that, the technical side of it isn't an issue. But the general style doesn't quite seem like a roleplay post - it reads more like the start of a funny short story. Usually story-style introductions aren't a problem, but it's difficult to see how this sample could be used for a roleplay. There's no real description of any of the settings or the characters, and, in particular, when you switch back out and go to the whole "It was all a dream" section, there's nothing for another RPer to base their reply on. It could turn out very well, as a more surreal, unusual sort of RP, but if this is the introduction then it would need a bit of work to get it to a do-able level. If you'd like to rewrite/edit this sample, and perhaps start something up in the Sandpit, (where you can get more constructive criticism from the approved roleplayers, while continuing with an actual RP) please, do so. When you're finished tidying up your sample, just yell, and I (and hopefully Ru too...  ) will take another look. I promise I won't take as long next time, either. |
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Post by Lali on Apr 2, 2007 11:12:07 GMT -5
I can see you've improved bits of it, but the tenses still aren't consistent - for example, "Just as he was about to take the second bite, the sandwich leaps out of his hands". Here the "was" is past tense, and the "leaps" is present. If you want a hand sorting that out, give me a yell and I'll try and help explain it properly. I also recommended to Raven Thorn that splitting up the paragraphs a little more (like I just did there, with a line between the two) makes things easier to read and can help you when you're checking for mistakes or where to make alterations.  It's nearly there, though. I for one can think of a way to reply now, at least. |
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Post by Bree on May 3, 2007 16:17:50 GMT -5
Show me the surroundings, dont tell me.
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) will take another look. I promise I won't take as long next time, either.
